Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories

[Taekwon-joe]

So awhile ago on some crazy friday night there was an attempt by some of us to tell jokes on the server. Long story short it didn't work and those that told them probably felt like complete knob jockeys after telling them (I know I did).

To make sure that it doesn't happen again I thought I would start this thread.
Basically its a joke thread. Not sure what kind of jokes the admins will tolerate so I'm not going to be the one to tell you not to post that joke involving Paddy Irish Man, Paddy Scots Man and Paddy Nigerian Man.

Anyway I'll start with this:


There once was a mother who had 3 children. One day her first born child came up to her and said.
"Why was I called Rose?". The mother Replied, "Because when you were born a rose landed softly on your forehead". The next day her second born came up to her and said "Why was I named Violet?". The mother replied, "Because when you were born a violet landed softly upon your forehead". The next day her third born child came up to her. "NEUUUUUUURGH!!!!"

"SHUT UP FRIDGE!!!!"

[cockijoe]

An American walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the American's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the American on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The American says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the American sits in amazement.

The American gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[heavy_the_hobbit]

Ok *clears throat*

Those jokes are bull shit :3

[MountieXXL]

A Canadian is having his petit dejeuner (coffee croissants: bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American, who, nevertheless, starts a converstion.

American: “You Canada folk eat the whole bread?”

Canandian: (In a bad mood): “Of course.”

American: (After blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada.”
The American sits there with a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists, “D’ya eat jelly with the bread?”

Canadian: “Of course.”

American: (Cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) “We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada.”

The Canadian then asks: “Do you have sex in America?”

American: “Why, of course we do!” he says with a big smirk.

Canadian: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

American: “We throw them away, of course.”

Canadian: “We don’t. In Canada, we put them in a container, reycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.”

(I'm gonna ignore that comment heavy because you dont know any better)

[heavy_the_hobbit]

Now Mountie that was funny, we Americans are jackasses
We can't help it, it's just a natural instinct

[cockijoe]

In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.

Tylenol is Acetaminophen

Advil is Ibuprofen and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

[MountieXXL]

yeah well you know why its called PMS?
because Mad Cow Disease was allready taken.

[Aonn]

this is an old classic so i guess u all read it a 134145 times before but its still good

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Johnimus Prime]

Bob Geldof's house got busted the other day.

The police found amphetamines, extacy and marijuana

but they couldn't find the other daughter

[dintbo(aka bosco)]

I heard this for the first time at around 7 this saturday morning, sitting in a campsite out of my bin, which is probobly why I find it so funny.

Did you hear about the man with no arms who entered a wanking compettition\/

He didn't come anywhere.