Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
- MountieXXL
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
Thats hllarious B.F., but now take this:
A Scott and an Englishman were discussing how far each could stretch a quid, they betted on who could stretch one more and then several days later the met to exchange the results..
The Englishman bought a cigar, smoked it over the course of two days and then used the ashes as fertilizer for his petunias saying, "beat that, you uneducated bastard of a Scott, no wonder the British Empire crushed the Scottish Kingdom"...
The Scotsman just smiled in return, as he recited his story, he had bough a sausage with his money, then ate one third of it per day, on the third day he took the sausage skin, took a dump in it, sewed it back up and went back to the butcher, complaining that it smelled like shit, and probably wouldn't taste much better either, should he feel the need to taste it.. the butcher took one whiff and agreed with him, giving his money back.
oh right, and to show Canada's "inner turmoil", at least the most obvious and traditional one, I'm gonna ignore the native-American one since Canada itself is still being fucked (voluntarily) by them and its a very touchy subject for anyone who isn't totally ignorant or hasn't seen the crap they do for themselves:
There are three guys walking together, a Newfie (kind of like Europe's dutch ppl, east-coast), a Quebecer(french-canadién), and a Vancouver(normal-canadian, west coast) guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."
So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish"
'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in."
'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."
And one for the good old love of beer, even though Canadian beer is only 2x as good as American, which isn't saying a lot:
Three Canadian fishermen were adrift in their boat due to a storm. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without a second though the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned amber, frothing at the boats sides.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. The first two men couldn't believe their luck and started cheering and dunking pails into the ocean while the third one looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long moment he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
A Scott and an Englishman were discussing how far each could stretch a quid, they betted on who could stretch one more and then several days later the met to exchange the results..
The Englishman bought a cigar, smoked it over the course of two days and then used the ashes as fertilizer for his petunias saying, "beat that, you uneducated bastard of a Scott, no wonder the British Empire crushed the Scottish Kingdom"...
The Scotsman just smiled in return, as he recited his story, he had bough a sausage with his money, then ate one third of it per day, on the third day he took the sausage skin, took a dump in it, sewed it back up and went back to the butcher, complaining that it smelled like shit, and probably wouldn't taste much better either, should he feel the need to taste it.. the butcher took one whiff and agreed with him, giving his money back.
oh right, and to show Canada's "inner turmoil", at least the most obvious and traditional one, I'm gonna ignore the native-American one since Canada itself is still being fucked (voluntarily) by them and its a very touchy subject for anyone who isn't totally ignorant or hasn't seen the crap they do for themselves:
There are three guys walking together, a Newfie (kind of like Europe's dutch ppl, east-coast), a Quebecer(french-canadién), and a Vancouver(normal-canadian, west coast) guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."
So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish"
'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in."
'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."
And one for the good old love of beer, even though Canadian beer is only 2x as good as American, which isn't saying a lot:
Three Canadian fishermen were adrift in their boat due to a storm. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without a second though the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned amber, frothing at the boats sides.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. The first two men couldn't believe their luck and started cheering and dunking pails into the ocean while the third one looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long moment he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
I mean, it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.
Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
Can wheelchair bound people do stand up?
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so fucking low?


- MountieXXL
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
you know what an elephant uses as a tampon?
a sheep.
a sheep.
I mean, it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.
Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
so does Meg GriffinMountieXXL wrote:you know what an elephant uses as a tampon?
a sheep.

- Toco
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
ur canadian jokes were great mountie i havent accualy seen those ones before
- MountieXXL
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long and no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't; the guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it, you aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last... and you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering,
"You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard."
"Don't worry about it, you aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last... and you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering,
"You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard."
I mean, it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.
- DragoonKnight
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
haha thats sick and funny at the same time, mind u the welsh have been doing that stuff to sheep for years...
- MountieXXL
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Re: Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories
I mean, it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.