Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories

[MountieXXL]

Here's one: a Honda Civic driver parks in front of the library.

[BBloke]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and
caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the
dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.

[MountieXXL]

things Canadians are proud of:
* Smarties.
* Crispy Crunch.
* Coffee Crisp.
* The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.
* Lacrosse is Canadian.
* Hockey is Canadian.
* Basketball is Canadian.
* The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.
* Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.
* Much Music kicks MTV's ass.
* Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).
* Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin Donuts ass.
* Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.
* In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back... passed their 'White House', burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied. Go figure.
* Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
* The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
* The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
* We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
* The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
* The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
* We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
* The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
* We don't marry our kin-folk.
* We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
* We can hum the tune to 'Definition'.
* We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.
* We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
* We can out drink Americans in a heart beat!!
* Our elections take only one day.

[Jonnywhy]

things Canadians are proud of:
...

* The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.

Quality. You don't mention Avril Lavigne though?

[Del]

40 Gypsies arrive...

'No, the gates'.

lol!

[Del]

things Canadians are proud of:

* Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.

No! No words against Mr. Rogers. Not allowed. No.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEuEUQIP3Q

[MountieXXL]

yeah theres a good reason Bryan Adams and Avril aren't on there.

[heavy_the_hobbit]

things Canadians are proud of:
* Hockey is Canadian.

Hockey is awesome, thought I heard that it's even better in Canada cause there's more fights

[MountieXXL]

yeah, check these out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veX55rLYAgQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzYU49eJm30

or this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKcbICOs7u8

but I find the absolute best is Christiano Ronaldo, especially at the EU 2008, now this is one of the more harmless vids, there was one, I saw it live and just laughed, where he fell, looked around (if there was a ref near), and then grabbed his leg and started yelling...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5prIxkXdLY

now here is the one I mean that was so funny, but I guess its too embarrassing (even for UEFA) that a ref didn't call it so it was removed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5qRLuwNJKU
try it if you want but it wont show, I have not been able to find a single vid anymore showing that foul where he looked around the field before starting to cry, guess it really does get censored, even on youtube, makes you kind of feel like big brother has his hand in it (young ppl who don't know what is meant by big bro[or think its a crappy TV show].. check wiki for the soviet union, 30th Dec 1922 to 08th Dec, 1991)

[black_feather]

A Englishman, Scotsman and a Irishman are walking along the beach when they notice a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the water.


The Englishman thinks what a stunningly beautiful creature, so he waded out to her and said, "Hello my dear Lady! Have you ever been kissed?"

She replied, "No Sir!"

So he kissed her beautiful lips quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, indeed I did Sir!" she replied

The Scotsman seeing what the Englishman had done, dashed out through the surf to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"

"No Sir," she replied.

So he set to and caressed her soft breasts for a few minutes and then asked, "So how did you like that lassie?"

She replied, "It was most pleasurable, Sir."

The Irishman couldn't believe his eyes, he ran to the stunning mermaid and asked, "Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?"

"No Sir," she replied.

He said, "Well you will be soon, the tide's going out!"