Jokes, Puns and Amusing Stories

[MountieXXL]

Found an old postcard from my Cork trip with some Irish quotes on it today, here they are:


Money can't buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.

A fine soft day is a day of incessant rain accompanied by a force nine gale.

My father had a profound influence on me - he was a lunatic.

If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band.

Some people don't like the Irish, but we're very popular among ourselves.

I'm an atheist, thank God.

The Irish climate is wonderful, but the weather ruins it.

An Irish queer is a fellow who prefers women to drink.

An Irish politician is a man of few words but he uses them often.

It was the perfect Irish marriage - she didn't want to and he couldn't.

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.

and my personal favorite:
Ireland has one of the world's heaviest rainfalls, if you see an Irishman with a tan, its rust.

[Selby]

What do you call a piece of wood with a sharp metal fixing at one end?

an axe!



*knock knock*

"hello"
"Hello, im Brian from British Gas, can I take a meter reading please?"
"sure it's just behind that cupboard by the television"
"ok, thanks"

[Advent]

*applauds*

[Zed]

just slapped this one together real-quick like, but the point gets across ^^

i think we need a photoshop thread. for all of our shit that deserves seeing

[MountieXXL]

Body Info... F. Y. I.


The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

[Zed]

omfg how did you know??

[Advent]

Ooop snared...

[Taekwon-joe]

Thats really good mountie. My thumb is too big for that to be true though

[Jonnywhy]

STAY AWAY FROM BAGGHEAD!!

[Del]

Thats really good mountie. My thumb is too big for that to be true though

like this poor lad?